My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
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Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.