Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
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its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?