*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
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Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
the saddest jazz hands ever
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.