*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
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Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.