Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’