Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
![]()
You Might Also Like
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.