Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
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“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go