my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
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I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.