I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
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Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.