Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
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Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
This did not end as expected.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.