@cravin4

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

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@thatdutchperson

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

@

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

@NewDadNotes

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

@leyawn

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

@AspergersAreUs

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

@iwearaonesie

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

@

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

@badbanana

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

@ThisOneSayz

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?