I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
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Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Namaste
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!