How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
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[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Just how popey was the pope today?
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.