[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
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Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
eggs benadryl
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end