god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.