Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
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*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?