I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
You Might Also Like
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me