“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
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So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad