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Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I鈥檓 so bruised.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
So fluffy! 馃槏 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
You know your kid is Canadian when she鈥檚 watching football and asks why no one is skating
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My new favorite headline
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.