Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
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Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem