Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
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Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…