Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
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My wife has the worst taste in men.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Möther may I have a snäck
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…