i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
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only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent