I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
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It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!