Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
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Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
This checks out
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
some Old Testament wisdom
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.