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“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*