2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
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Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Hell yeah 👍
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…