Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
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You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.