*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
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STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Um … Hot Wings please
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here