If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
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*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
idk flipping houses looks really hard
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.