Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
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I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
his wife is probably gonna see that
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.