6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
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Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Fidel Castro was alive?
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”