you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
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[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!