*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
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I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital