JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
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Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
BETRAYAL
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll