For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
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Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.