[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
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me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
this will hang in the louvre one day
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow