don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
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mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
what
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.