Feels like the fourth month in January
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I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.