God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
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After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album