nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
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He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.