Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
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Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
shut up and take my money
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??