[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
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Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.