Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
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Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records