him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
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Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.