Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
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genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
People buying plungers never look happy.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Need WebMD
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.