[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here


i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”


Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.


Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.


AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.


Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.


[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment


Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.



Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say


Then watch how mad he gets.


*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*