@glum_and_fun

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

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@dafloydsta

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

@onthemauve

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

@elle91

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

@NoTheOtherJohn

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

@Rollinintheseat

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

@SoNotThePoint_

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

@MariyaAlexander

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

@MaraWilson

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

@SteveDutzy

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

@fro_vo

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*