[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
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Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.