I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
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Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
#CoronaOutbreak
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.