I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
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A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.