Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
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Meeeee too!
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I’m confused about plants
Goat cheese is for herders.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.