Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
You Might Also Like
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro