When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

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Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?


Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?


[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore


Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.


Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.


[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]


They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.


Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.


*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend


I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.