When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
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Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.