@JJSummertime Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
@SCbchbum When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
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@JJSummertime 
@clichedout Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
@david8hughes [knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
@Parkerlawyer Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
@Dawn_M_ Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
@pleatedjeans [cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
@1Happytwit They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
@CovertAgentP Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
@FlyJ_ *sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
@beefman138 I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.